No Exits
Whether you are in a monogamous relationship, open relationship, or any other form or relationship, many of us seem to find ways to avoid intimacy.
Regardless of the reasons for or against your relationship preference (and, as with any perspective, there is plenty of “scientific evidence”, logic, and rationale to back up one’s case), in any form of relationship there can be “exits.”
These exits can be small or large, ranging from spending too much time watching TV to having an affair. Common exits include being on the phone or computer, spending time with pets, children, or other friends, having multiple partners, using pornography, drinking alcohol, overeating, or working. Other potentially big exits include fantasizing about other people, wondering if the “grass would be greener” with someone else, or not fully committing to anyone. Note that these things are not necessarily exits in and of themselves. What makes them exits, regardless of the behaviors, is the underlying cause: avoiding intimacy with yourself and with your partner.
Case in point: me.
In my current (monogamous) relationship of almost 1-1/2 years, I’ve become aware of exits that keep me from fully being in the relationship: staying in touch with past lovers where there is still an “energy” there despite not actively engaging it, over-analyzing or over-processing the relationship with others, caretaking other women (including my partner), isolating, and not expressing or communicating my feelings.
As I close off the exits, the crucible of relationship gets hotter. With nowhere else to go, my fears rise, and I find myself sitting in the intensity of my own feelings without having a place to divert my energy. There are many moments when I feel scared shitless, wanting to run, hide, or shut down. I come face to face with my fears of being abandoned, smothered, or hurt. My beliefs around self-worth, lovability, and my ability to receive love are challenged. It’s not always “fun” and I don’t always “look good”, but there is a depth of realness, of truly being brought to the core of my human-ness and fully being exposed and vulnerable to another person that is humbling, both heart-breaking and heart-opening, and miraculous. And, there are times when I feel miserable and can’t seem to get through the discomfort and just have to deal with it (while also trying to find ways to relate with my partner) until I find a way through.
While I don’t believe there is a right way to do relationship, I’m seeing just how much I and others avoid intimacy, with all kinds of exits. And, if you value relationships as a path of growth, these exits can thwart that growth in ways that are often unconscious.
And yet, there is something to be said for staying in this fire and having to fully show up with another person. I can see how at times in the past it was so much safer to have the exits of other people to turn to for comfort, arousal, aliveness, sexual gratification, solace, fun, or kvetching and complaining (in addition to some of my other exits) to avoid having to sit in the fire of intimacy.
The benefits to closing off the exits are huge. As I close off the exits and confront my fears and beliefs, I am able to receive greater love from my partner. There is more trust between us, and I am more able to surrender to her and to the relationship. I am more able to handle intensity and discomfort, and thus able to take a stronger stand in my life. I feel more powerful, confident, alive, and able to show up. Having confronted those dark places, I am more able to powerfully offer my gifts to others. And again, sometimes in the midst of working through the fears it doesn’t seem like there is an end in sight or any benefit other than torture and masochism. However, if I’m willing to stay with the fear, discomfort, and awkwardness I always arrive at a new place on the other side.
I both challenge and invite you to notice where the exits are in your relationships. Where are the places that you hide out, where you avoid depth, where you “leak” energy?
As it is for me, the truth can be ugly, and it takes courage to identify and own those exits.
It takes discernment to discover what yours are. If you’re stuck or want to cut to the truth, ask your partner or trusted people in your life who see you. Take in what they have to say. If you find yourself feeling defensive, take it as a sign that they are probably onto something.
From there, do whatever it takes to close the exits, sit in the fire, and feel the burn. As in any crucible, alchemy happens, and the lead is transformed into gold.
Bid Laden’s Death: Celebration or Wake-up Call?
This just in: Bin Laden has finally been killed.
I start to see the reaction amongst many people in the West: celebration, rejoicing, time to party, “it’s about time he got what was coming to him.”
Somehow, I get the feeling he (and many other people he was aligned with) were thinking the same things about us after 9/11.
And we hated them for it.
Which begs the question, “why is it then acceptable for us to feel and react that way?”
Are we better than they are? Are we right and they are wrong? Why do we get to claim the “moral high ground?” Is that racism? Ethnocentrism? Who are we to say who deserves to die, any more than he did? I’m sure he had his reasons, same as we did.
Don’t get me wrong – I believe in holding people accountable for their actions. However, wishing death upon another person is not about accountability – it’s about revenge and vindication. It is reactive. It is a way for us to feel better about ourselves, to temporarily avoid the suffering, anguish, pain, and fear that we all face.
And yet, our darkness still lives within us. We still suffer – another’s death does not truly bring us liberation nor release that darkness and shadow. Our anger and pain still lives within us, ready to emerge again once someone else steps up to commit some heinous act that we despise. It doesn’t go away – it simply goes underground, causing us daily misery in forms such as disease, unhappiness, scarcity, illness, and persistent emotional states such as fear, anger, and grief. We may temporarily have the illusion that we are safe and secure now, only to soon find some other reason or circumstance to project our insecurity and lack of safety onto.
We become liberated once we can face and embrace our own shadow. The part of us that could kill if we were pushed to that point. The part of us that hates. The part of us that is intolerant. The part of us that thinks we have been dealt injustice, lack of compassion, been judged for our beliefs and way of life. The part of us that is righteous and thinks we are better than everyone else.
It makes me sad to see people celebrating someone’s death in such a way. It makes us no better than the monster that we judged him to be.
We have seen the enemy, and he is us. Stand for justice, and confront the enemy within. It may not be easy. You may not like what you see. It may be extremely uncomfortable. And, this is where peace begins.
The “Purpose” Myth
I wrote an article a ways back called “Men and the ‘Finding Your Purpose’ Myth” about men discovering their purpose through relating and connecting rather than isolating and going away. And yet, beyond finding your purpose, there’s actually knowing what the hell purpose actually is. There seem to be lots of myths and stories surrounding purpose, such as:
- it takes time
- it involves doing something
- it has to be expressed through some external form, including mediums such as work, hobbies, or art
- it is indicated through feeling passionate, inspired, and happy
- it is conditional and contextual, perhaps changing over time or dependent on your circumstances
As such, many people spend much of their time and energy seeking and doing, attempting to find meaning in their lives and “feel good.”
What if purpose is actually simpler than that? What if purpose at the core is simply an experience giving way to action, rather than taking action in order to try to have an experience?
I’ve had moments where I’ve felt miserable, depressed, and angry, but have felt completely on purpose and on my path (and known that feeling that way was essential to it). I’ve had moments and periods where I’ve literally been doing “nothing,” yet have felt full of meaning and fulfillment. I’ve experienced instantaneous shifts in my awareness, state, and consciousness with no effort whatsoever. I’ve had times when I’ve profoundly impacted another person’s life simply by being present, without saying or doing anything. I’ve been in extremely unpleasant circumstances or situations, and felt blissful and at peace. And, I’ve received money, love, appreciation, support, and connection without having to lift a finger or take any action.
My point? How much of our lives do we spend trying to “do something,” be busy, make a living, fix ourselves or others, try to accomplish, etc. just to find and live our purpose? And, how much of that seeking is a distraction to avoid feelings of worthlessness, emptiness, discomfort, unpleasant emotions, pain, or lack?
Each moment presents an opportunity to be “on purpose”: to love unconditionally; to honor ourselves and our experiences; to dance with and embrace life as it is; to serve; to commune with Source; to relate. All the rest is window dressing, perhaps nice and fun, but at the core, unessential to our well-being and happiness. Yes, it might feel a hell of a lot more uncomfortable at times, but in the end is so much more rewarding and fulfilling, sourced from within, unaffected by outer circumstances, people, or situations, free of condition or limitation, completely under our power and control.
This is the choice we are faced with: to let go of purpose involving anything outside of ourselves or the need to do or change anything, and instead to choose to be fully present in each moment, feeling and loving and embracing ourselves, other people, and life, just as it is.
Love (en)Action
Love. What does it really mean?
Jesus said simply to “love one another.” The Beatles said that “all you need is love.” And yet, why is it so freakin’ hard to do?
I’m not talking about syrupy-sweet “I-love-you’s” with little follow-through or romanticized happily-ever-after love. I’m talking about a penetrating love with depth and heart and the power to cut through fears of separation, illusion, and blame. I’m talking about a moment-to-moment love that can be either tender or fierce, that can inspire movements, end wars, and open even the most closed and fearful hearts. I’m talking about a love that is willing to endure the truth, even if it’s painful or uncomfortable.
Too often lately I’ve witnessed the inability or unwillingness to love: those who profess that the real war is within, yet who blame and point the finger; those who leave when the going gets rough, checking out and distracting themselves from the pain; those who talk about their frustrations and struggles with people in their lives to everyone except for the people who are directly involved, unwilling to move towards the discomfort into potential healing; those who believe that the problem lies “out there.”And even my own fears of “losing control” and choosing to play small rather than into openness and generosity with others.
We avoid making connecting with real love through work, drugs, sex, and other addictions. We lie to ourselves, afraid to face the truth. We espouse love, without actually practicing it. We treat love as a noun, rather than a verb. We close down our hearts, rationalizing, justifying, and living in our minds. We love conditionally, seeking the light while denying the dark.
I believe that love is in the details: choosing the speak the truth, even when it’s hard; appreciating and noticing those around us, even if we don’t know them (and especially if we do); unconditionally loving the world as it is, even when we are afraid, angry, or don’t understand; being present, rather than avoiding, denying, or suppressing; slowing down, pausing, and making time; praying not just for ourselves, but also for others; offering nurturing touch, deeply listening to someone, and practicing empathy; noticing the innocence in each person, and looking beyond the surface; taking personal responsibility for our choices and behaviors, making amends, and refusing to blame others; caring for the earth; moving towards one another, rather than away; leaving each person better than you found them; honoring all forms of life; remembering that each expression, no matter what it is, is either an act of love or a request for it, and responding accordingly.
This is where the rubber hits the road, where we move from the conceptual to the real. This is where love counts and makes a difference.
It’s quite simply, really.
Love in action.
Men and the “Finding Your Purpose” Myth
I recently listened to an audio interview with a male teacher/instructor who spoke of spending a significant time in solitude during a life transition, explaining how he, as a relationship coach, had been using relationships as a way to hide out and avoid looking at himself. Hence, taking time to be alone (save for limited contact with key people) and go on sabbatical in order to work through some of the issues that were arising for him around his work, purpose, relationships, and life.
In the modern men’s movement, particularly amongst the school of “Deida-bots,” there seems to be an emphasis on spending time alone and in isolation in order to find one’s purpose. The approach seems to be esteemed amongst men as being the “superior” approach. And yet, it seems as though it has been part of the unconscious cultural masculine code for a long time. Be the lone ranger; the army of one; the one-man show. Go get it handled, then come back once you’ve got it all figured out. Don’t show weakness or vulnerability. Keep it together. Look good. Appear confident, strong, and secure. Know what you’re doing.
And yet, if we look at our planet, does it really seem to be working?
Isolating and being in solitude is the default mode for many men. For myself, doing things such as personal retreats and ten-day silent meditation courses certainly has its challenges, but is more comfortable than actually having to fall apart in my intimate relationships and community. And, be honest with yourself: is it more terrifying to deal with your shit by yourself, or while staying engaged with those who you love?
I’m not saying there is a right or wrong here: sometimes doing a retreat, vision quest, or being alone is essential. (And as an aside, I also believe that the essence of Deida’s message around finding purpose is not about isolating, but rather eliminating all distraction.) However, I think that for too long it’s been our default and unconscious way of dealing, and that it is a cultural blind spot when it comes to the men’s movement.
What if we stayed in relationship as we go through our shit, instead of needing to isolate and go away? What if we led from a place of vulnerability and authenticity around our struggles, our insecurities, our fears, and our confusion? What if we allowed ourselves to be held, nurtured, seen, and loved in our darkness, and through our dark nights – helpless, scared, and out of control?
I would love to see more men (especially those in leadership) actually stay in relationship during those challenging times. Get up in the front of the room and be a blubbering, confused mess instead of waiting until you’ve got it figured out and handled. Allow your partner, friends, and community to see, hold, and love you as you go through your shit. Communicate and share your doubts, fears, and insecurities. Be willing to be “unattractive,” vulnerable, “ugly,” and not know. Yeah, it might not look pretty; it might not get you laid; you might be totally out of control. But to me, that is where accessing our true inner strength, courage, and power lives.
Many of us are conditioned to believe that being successful in relationships, and in intimacy in general, means feeling good. People say that they want intimacy, when what they are really saying is that they want the fairy-tale version of bliss, harmony, and being on the same page in happily-ever-after perfection.
Intimacy (into-me-see) is about revealing oneself. And, when you are courageous enough to reveal yourself honestly and authentically, others may not like it. They may get triggered, upset, disagree, judge, or leave. And in response, you might then have to be confronted with your fears. You might have to learn how to stay in relationship while being uncomfortable, disagreeing, or in conflict (both within yourself, and with other). You might have to grow beyond your comfort zone, and learn how to love more unconditionally. This is what the current state of the world is demanding of us: getting past the addictive, syrupy-sweet feel-good love into a fierce, open-hearted, vulnerable, unconditional love that can alchemize war, integrate conflict, and cut through the illusions of fear and separation.
This is the invitation: the next time you think you need (or start) to go away, figure it out on your own, or isolate, reach out to someone and share what’s going on. Be in relationship. Engage. Be honest. Be authentic. Be courageous. Be in your power. We can’t do it alone. We need one another.
If you find yourself hiding out in your relationships, using them to escape, or feeding a needy hole, how about first actually talking about that with the people with whom you are using in these ways? How about exploring the dynamic together? Perhaps you can find yourself AND be in relationship, without needing to go away and deal with it on your own.
That’s where we truly honor the women in our lives, by actually letting them see us. That’s where we honor ourselves, by showing up. That’s where we honor other men, by giving them permission to do the same. That’s where we honor our communities, by offering a new paradigm and example. And, instead of getting laid, you might get loved.
The Hidden Patriarchy of the Men’s Movement
It’s time for an empowered men’s movement, one based on response rather than reaction.
Yes, there have been attempts. And yet, it seems like something has been missing. Like men have been flailing around in the dark, searching for meaning and identity with no real roadmap, grasping for some way to feel like “men” again. Looking at what and who not to be, as opposed to what and who to be.
In the initial part of the movement, there was an emphasis on reclaiming the “wild man,” leaving behind (and sometimes blaming) the ways of the feminine. Beating drums in the woods, hooting and hollering and dancing and crying, breaking the shackles of our mothers (and women in general) who supposedly were to blame for our emasculation. That somehow women (and the feminine) tamed us, and that we needed to escape.
There was also the response to feminism to fuel the movement; men thinking they were “bad,” and as such turning into pleasing “nice guys” in order to make up for their supposed defectiveness. Identity came in the form of standing up for women, with little sense of self to sustain the effort.
More recently, there has been critique on the current state of men being lost, wishy-washy, flowy, sensitive, and emotional, supposedly with “all heart and no spine.” Interestingly enough, these characteristics are attributed to being “too feminine.” Hence, we as men had better reclaim our masculine spine and balls. (And, I’m confused: since when does “all heart” have anything to do with being lost, wishy-washy, flowy, sensitive, or emotional?)
The interesting thing in all of these approaches is that they are sourced in reaction rather than response. In essence, they are “anti-feminine” and “pro-masculine” as the solution to become real men. They require shedding aspects of our femininity (or simply settling for the superficial aspects) and claiming more of the masculine aspects.
Much of men’s identities is focused around not being feminine, hence derogatory terms such as “pussy,” “crybaby,” and “acting like a girl (or woman).” We do what we can to avoid as coming across too feminine. Masculine identity is based on acting tough, having our shit together, being on purpose, working, and getting things done. Trace it even deeper, and we find the roots of homophobia: a mask for our insecurity and fear of being feminine (read: weak).
The shame in all this (in addition to being anti-feminine) is that none of these approaches truly honor the essence of the feminine. Yeah, some give it lip service, such as attempting to gain feminine trust (read: manipulate feminine trust), becoming more emotionally literate, or engaging in “goddess worship” (read: passive-aggressive mask to gloss over our anger at women and come off as sensitive guys who love and adore them, and who, of course, wouldn’t mind getting a little sex in return for their efforts (or at least a “good boy” pat on the back). Interestingly enough, many of these men are not so glossed over and idealizing around their anger with their own mothers, sisters, grandmothers, etc.. Hmmmm . . . must not be the promise of getting laid in return).
For as much as we’ve tried, many men have attempted to claim some of the surface qualities (or even shadow qualities) of the feminine, rather than embodying more of the essential qualities. To me, wearing feminine clothes and having long hair, being able to cry, dancing, and going with the flow don’t represent the heart and depth of the feminine. Using these qualities as evidence of men being too feminine seems even more patronizing and patriarchal: is that all we see the feminine as representing?
What about qualities such as the ability to surrender? To be receptive, able to listen, respond, and receive? To have faith? To endure pain and discomfort in order to give birth? To be wild and untamed in our expression and aliveness? To heal, nurture, and nourish? To relate to one another, and recognize our inter-dependence and Oneness? To love unconditionally, fearlessly, and courageously? To be of service and stewardship? To be connected to and present in our bodies? To experience and express the full range of emotions? To trust natural cycles and rhythms? To live in harmony and balance with the earth? To co-create? To be inclusive?
What if we actually had the courage to embody and integrate these qualities rather than judge, devalue, or belittle them? What if we stopped looking outside of ourselves and try to access them through women (another level of the hidden patriarchy, e.g. using women to feel our emotions and aliveness, attain self-worth, and/or find meaning in our lives)? Maybe then, we could truly stand with women rather than leaning on them, using them, or fearing them.
What if the way to claiming our masculinity was actually through claiming our femininity?
If anything, we as men aren’t feminine enough.
Our lack of personal power stems from suppressing, denying, and avoiding who we truly are in order to fit social masks and ideals. In many cases, these masks and ideals have translated to suppressing, denying, and avoiding the feminine. For example, many men seeking to become more masculine attempt to wear the manly social mask of anger, thinking that somehow expressing anger makes them more connected to their “masculine power.” And yet ironically, anger and rage are not “masculine” qualities – they are actually “feminine,” relating to the emotional body along with grief, sadness, and joy. Anger just happens to be part of the supposed image and mental concept of what it means to be a man.
Instead, we can choose to uncover and reveal all of who we truly are. We can fully embody and own those qualities that we’ve rejected, judged, or feared. In essence, we can be ourselves, and be fully available and present to respond to each moment, whether that response comes in the form of surrendering, taking action, or simply being aware.
We honor by embodying all of who we are, not by picking and choosing who and how we think we should be in order to please or fit in. When we honor all of who we are, both our natural masculine and feminine qualities, we become the whole human beings that we were born to be. We quit worrying about being too much or not enough of something, and can simply be who we are.
Living on the Edge (An Ode to Slayer)
I recently was reading an interview with Slayer (a pioneering band in the genre of thrash-metal), and the editor of the magazine mentioned something along the lines of how, when the band plays, it sounds like they could fall apart at any moment. These guys are pretty tight musically, they’ve been around for about 25 years, their music requires precision and stamina to play, and it’s not like they’re sloppy or anything, so it made me curious. I hadn’t thought about their music in that way before.
I’ve heard similar statements said before about other musicians that have been pioneers and highly influential (as Slayer is). I’ve always wondered what makes certain bands stand out, and, after reflecting on the sound of some of these musicians, it clicked – almost all of of them pushed their sound to the edge, either by taking their music into uncharted territory, playing at the edge of their technical capabilities, or allowing their vulnerable emotions to come through in the music.
It is a good metaphor for life: those who are willing to live on the edge, to go just beyond their comfort zone, who constantly take risks, who are willing to fail, who are willing to live with at least a little bit of fear, are the ones who make a difference in the world. They are alive. They exude a palpable, tangible presence. They pave new trails that lead others into new possibilities. They inspire others to greatness.
Those who don’t tend to blend in, possibly having some impact, maybe sticking around for a while, potentially getting 15 minutes of fame or a blip on the radar, but they aren’t really remembered. They aren’t felt in the same way. Some part of themselves has gone unlived. They are the ones who maybe describe their life as “good” or “fine” or “all right” or “ok.” They are alive, but they aren’t really living.
Going back to the music analogy, we know these bands; maybe they are great musicians, maybe they “know” how to write songs, maybe they have the right look or image, but they just don’t have that special something that makes them stand out from the rest. People may like them, but they don’t make people’s ears perk up and say to their friends, “Holy shit – wow – you gotta check these guys out!”
Listen to Slayer. Listen to Beethoven. Listen to Bob Marley. Listen to Hendrix. Listen to Coltrane. They all have that certain something, that element of danger, of unpredictability, like you don’t quite know if they’ll make it through the song without unraveling into chaos. Them being on their edge keeps you on yours; it’s what engages you.
If nothing’s happening in your life, then nothing’s happening. It’s a good time to take an honest look at yourself and see if you’re just playing it safe, going through the motions, numbing out, or hiding. If nothing’s happening, it’s a reminder to make something happen: step out to the edge; get a little fear going by taking a risk. This is where life happens. This is where you come alive.
Take it from Slayer.